Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for