Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind