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*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
No regrets in 2018
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
groan^2
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son