[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese