Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
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Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*