Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
just left a huge legacy in there
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.