Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Well, this explains it:
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.