*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
You Might Also Like
*cough*
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Those are good neighbors.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar