[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
*lint rolls you awake*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no