Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
You Might Also Like
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Brilliant!
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]