Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
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I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
this came to me in a vision
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same