[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
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People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.