What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.