Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
mumsnet is amazing
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!