cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?