I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him