why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage