Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Sooo many times…..
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Wait a second…
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”