Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
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Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity