“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say