Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”