Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
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reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.