BRO LMFAO
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haha same
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Birds & Planes.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Why I divorced her.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified