[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
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[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
why isn’t he texting back
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.