Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred