Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth