CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
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Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like