God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.