I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
this chia pet tastes awful
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner