Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
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*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Living the best life.. 😊
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon