The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
How dude HOW?!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I created you as mosquito food.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok