Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.