Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
You Might Also Like
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
what鈥檚 wrong babe? you鈥檝e barely touched your charcuberie
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Cartoons made it seem like I鈥檇 be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it鈥檚 only happened to me three times.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?