Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
what day is it?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK