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he’s sick of your bullshit today
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials