My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
How your email finds me
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Easy enough.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.