ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
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Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.