Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
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Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
the short answer to this question
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Herpes is trending, good job people
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.