girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
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Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
what it’s like dating me:
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
How is it still this week?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..