Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
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Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Lmao 🤣
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.