ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Does beer think about me too?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills