When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.