When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
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Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.