DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Saw your ex at the shops
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.