Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
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(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
2022 be like
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.