accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.