[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
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Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.