The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean