At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
philosophical skeletons be like
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
the world’s most popular steaming services
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied