I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
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Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
do horses think humans are hats
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care